Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
