I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
