bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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