i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
