Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I am one with the molecules
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
