in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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