I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I deserve this hangover.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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