there's paper in my vomit.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
