i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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