also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
