Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
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