I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
