I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
