Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
