pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
