God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
