Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
