I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
