come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I touched a dick in church today
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