i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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