1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
sarcasm needs its own font
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
