I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
