So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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