ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
