do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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