How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
