I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
