shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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