so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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