Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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