she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
