His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
