There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
