My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
