i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
did i walk over a car last night?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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