My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
