he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
