I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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