I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
