Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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