My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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