I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
time to smoke my breakfast
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
