Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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