my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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