I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
