listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
high people should be assigned attendants
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
