Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
