My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
