Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
