I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
