this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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