I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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