If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
