My first STD was from a foam party
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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