My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
