Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Please, let me fuck your mom
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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