its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
