Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
